energy.

I was once full of directionless energy. Maybe I still am. I knew so badly that I wanted to do something, wanted to accomplish, to completely take advantage of my freedom, but I had no idea how or what. The result is something you might be able to define as restlessness. I was restless. It was restlessness that sent me across the Continent. It sent me to Australia. Maybe even Mexico. Whether or not I consider these trips as having been worthwhile endeavors, they were a direct result of my pent-up energy finally needing to burst out more than they were exactly what I had been dying to do with my life.

Thinking about that fact, as I walked home from Kobe-Ya, I began to wonder what it was exactly that I wanted. Not that I believe that's something I need to figure out right now, I'm still very young after all, but that energy has to go somewhere and I might as well start thinking of a productive outlet.

Because I'm still full of that restless energy, right? Hooded sweatshirt up over my head, half-stoned with my hands in my pockets; thinking about bed. When was the last time I started dreaming about what to do next? What it was I loved?

Weed. Alcohol. Women. The Internet. These are the things that take the edge off my hunger. That numb my energy. Distract me from the questions that once tugged at me constantly. If I smoke a joint or play a few rounds of beer pong, very quickly I'm lost in chasing a "good feeling" that really has nothing of substance behind it (hah! figuratively speaking). In investing in that pleasure I am almost ignoring my ideals.

And what are my ideals exactly? Making change for good? or the world a better place? What about placing emphasis on art and expression? and Love?

I don't think I'm ever going to be able to narrow that down to a concise, clear list, and maybe I don't have to, but I also think that frivolous intoxication should play a smaller role in one's life as opposed to a bigger one.

I don't want to stop drinking, smoking or talking to girls entirely, I think that's unhealthy as well, but rather to find a way to strike a more acceptable balance that makes me feel as if I'm working towards something productive and something I believe in. To find an outlet for my energy that is satisfying for the way it brings me pleasure as well as adhering to my morals, ideals and creative fancies.

I think that begins by cutting down on my intake and actively trying to pursue new, more exciting opportunities and whims.

A question for the readers: Does that not make sense?