"You make me nervous"
this is the thing she said that I've thought about most. the comment that tips the scales one way or the other - did she play me or not.
"I just don't know what to do, what to say - you're really different."
we were in the back of a Ford Explorer. this was after I had folded down the second and third rows and I'm pretty sure her clothes were off already. mine were not. we were laid down next to a set of golf clubs and she pressed the taste of cigarettes into my mouth with her tongue.
earlier that night, i had set my teeth and decided that I was going to have a drunken hookup. all my friends do it, why not me? I can pinpoint the exact moment too; maybe three hours before, I was scribbling something onto a legal pad and when I looked up she was looking at me. a very certain look, no smile. this is not something I do. I have never met a girl at a party. but all the same, we both knew.
there was another guy sleeping in her bedroom (telling? yes.) and so it was after alot of tedious back and forth touching flirting kissing that I finally suggested we go to her car. I worried that too much conversation would let the steam out of things but at the same time I found it impossible to stop talking. I pointed out the most inane details and made quick, vapid jokes. I suppose now that maybe I was nervous too, but it didn't feel like it at the time. I didn't really want to do anything with her. Or maybe I wanted something to happen first, something cementing. It was as if I was stalling for time with my words, trying to create an opening for something.
it didn't once occur to me that she just wanted to have sex and get it over with. this is something I thought about the next day on the car ride home. I have never learned that 'hooking up' frame of mind and therefore it wasn't something I took into account. there'd be some groping whateverwhatever but then I'd stop and say something nice about her ears or her legs or her ass. she asked me once if something was wrong. and then, a little bit later, "I think I might even be offended"
and in the end, my heart wasn't in it. i did not sleep with her, i did not go into her room in the morning like she asked. surely i am not the one to be entrusted with your drunken lusts.
i don't understand exactly what people are attracted to with the whole situation, but I also know that I am very different than most. I'm not even going go go into it really - masturbation just seems so much simpler. and what if this is something she does all the time? do you just nose around every weekend touching the skin of whatever other willing body? thats the part that seems unsatisfying to me. there's much more to say here but I'll leave it at that.
she slipped her sweater back on and gave me one last, deep kiss. i needed some sort of validation.
"so, could we rate this as at least a vaguely positive experience? i mean, we laughed alot."
she looked at me sideways and pushed herself out of the side door.
"I mean, i guess it was okay. It could have been alot better."
atmONE.
No comments:
Post a Comment