and what is this now?

I come home from a party, 2:46am. This has nothing to do with 20 beers deep on a Saturday night. This has nothing to do with riding my bike home from West Oakland.

there were a number of girls at this party, all of them very young. I found myself feeling a certain way, trying to affect an air of disdain for them, but really I know what it is my groin wants.

certain ways they would move under their dresses. videos I've watched by myself, in my room; women doing things to men on camera, for money.

these girls were not the same as that, but this is almost my point - I considered that they might be - I let myself put something onto them because of our culture. No boy over 15 hasn't seen hardcore porn.

put as a total, im try to work towards a broader point; i wrote something down on an index card earlier. "embarrassed by your own generation but somehow sickly in love with it. this is me, this is us, this is you cant turn away it's everything we've ever wanted but maybe now that it's here its grotesque to really look at; the final product of the human wanting is raw and disgusting..."

for decades now we've been pushing the boundaries. how much greed is allowed? how much skin can we show? if we're not there yet, we are approaching a final tipping point - the place where things have become so rotten the thing won't stand up any more.

i wanted to fuck every girl at that party tonight and I knew exactly what their hard, 18 year old bodies looked like.