drink my beer, it'll get you drunk!

writing today from my backyard, dress pants pulled up to my knees, listening to Explosions in the Sky.

its been a strange week somehow but I feel like things are coming together. found out that a bunch of people are reading this blog that I didn't know about which is good but also brings forward (again) the question of content and what I write and who is reading it whatever, whatever. i have given this some thought.

sometimes I drink so much liquor that I can't see anymore. i say crazy things and put my hands where I shouldn't and just generally act like an idiot. also, i smoke marijuana. I go on insane hours-long walks by myself and talk out loud, making connections between things that are not there and laughing like a crazy person, eyes bloodshot. this is me too. girls call me at two in the morning and I tell them exactly what they want to hear, even if I spent the night with someone else the night before, even if I'm writing letters to someone else entirely and splitting myself into however many ways. these are not my favorite parts of me.

writing, for me, is an act of organization. or something. a processing. I've spent alot of the last few years with my eyes wide open, I've had alot of conversations and been told alot of things. and the stuff I've done too, has influenced me. right now through, I think I'm needing to step back a little bit and really put together what it is I've learned - I think writing is going to be the tool that helps me do that.


it does not matter to me who is reading this blog and what they are reading in it. my grandmother has the URL, every one of my ex-girlfriends. these are the things that I am threshing out with my words and I'm giving them to anyone who wants to read them. welcome to the generation of zero-privacy-boundaries. this is somehow part of the experiment.

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i'm hoping to start posting here alot too (this very much has to do with the deletion of my Facebook) so please keep your eyes peeled and let me know if you dig something or it turns you off or whatever. it feels good to know people are reading and maybe knowing a little more about me, even if its awful or broken or whatever it is I'm trying to say here.

this is the point. what is it i'm trying to say here?




heart atm1