man and his son : adapted from James Incandenza

"

and you can't judge a man by the work he does either. it just doesn't work like that. i've known too many men that have fallen from so called 'high places' and because of no fault of their own.

you have to look away from this idea that a man is defined by what he does. a guy i used to work with, great fucking guy, smart, funny, hard-working. driving home late one night, dark road, a fucking deer jumps out and this guy flips his car trying to get out of the way - flips his car into a ditch and in this ditch there's a cut-off piece of telephone pole at like 4 feet that rips through his gas tank and BOOM. this guy crawls out of there burned within an inch of his life and sells his house, his cars, moves his wife and kids back in with her mother trying to pay off those fucking hospital bills. this guy's hands look like jerky I'm telling you son, horrible stuff. used to wear gloves to work at all times. walked with a limp a little bit, making barely above minimum wage and telling me this story.

and I know what you're thinking too, like if this guy woulda had some insurance maybe he could have avoided the whole thing but that's really what I'm trying to tell you isn't it? That maybe you'd get insurance and feel all safe and protected until life reared up and threw some other ugly shit that you weren't ready for. You see what I'm saying? You're not going to be ready for it son, the thing that derails you. It's a defining characteristic of it."

There's something else I want to talk to you about too, while I got ya here. Are you sure you don't want a drink of this son? Really? Two grown men can't have a drink together? A strict dietary regimen? You've got to be kidding me son. You know what, I used to be the exact same way and look at me now. Jesus it all burns down to shit anyway son, I can barely get my ass out of bed in the morning anymore.

But listen, don't you go getting me all distracted here. They're going to come back here and 'check on us' pretty soon and I still haven't said the most important thing.

 You and this girl Kaity. Kaitlyn? Kaitlyn, I'm sorry. You and this girl Kaitlyn are moving pretty quickly now aren't you? Don't give me that bullshit I can see the gears in your head smoking every time the two of you come around, like you're weighing her every sentence. Listen to me son, don't you fucking do it. Do not marry that girl. I've been watching you your whole entire life boy and I can spot your uncomfortable shifting from a mile away.

You want to hear a story you've probably never heard before? Hang on a sec. Jesus that stuff is strong. You tell me when you're ready for a little sip kiddo and I'll pour you some right out of my glass. No? Alright.

Now don't get all pissy when I tell you this because it's going to sound harsh, but I swear to god it's the truth and I've been sitting on it for a long time. I've never loved your mother. Like true, heart-thumping love - and I've felt it before too. Not even for one split-second, not even in the first crazy throes of our dating. I swear it's true. I had this fucked up idea all along that maybe we could build that together, that over months and years some little bird would fly by and drop 'Love' into our laps but it just never happened and while I was waiting those months and years got me more and more entrenched into her, we were a living and breathing thing together at that point, you have to understand me. But it's not the same.

'To make your relationship LAST you have to put it FIRST.' My father had that posted up on our fridge all throughout my childhood, written out on a little index card. I thought that maybe if I chose a woman - fairly pretty, easy-going, fun to be with - and I just poured everything into her, that we might be able to come up with a love somehow. Like with any girl I could just make it, hard work thats all. It didn't happen that way. I settled for your mother because I was getting older and I was getting afraid and now as an old man I stand behind this shed and think about another life I might have had.

You don't love that girl Adam, i know it. I see it on you. I can't tell you that it's worth it to wait for another because I don't know that. Because I didn't. But I can tell, one man to another, right here in my home, that if you do this now because of some other kind of pressure you're going to regret it. She's a beautiful girl yes. Fuck her a few more times and tell her very plainly, that it has to end there. Every day more you wait is every day harder its going to be.

"