headache for michelle.

FADE IN




[THE OFFICE OF A DIVORCE LAWYER. WOODEN BUILT-IN SHELVES HOLD GREEN CLOTH-BOUND BOOKS]




LAWYER: SO, HOW DID YOU FIRST MEET?

WIFE: OH. WELL. IT'S NOT EXACTLY A ROMANTIC STORY..

HUSBAND: GO AHEAD, TELL HIM. OPEN UP. THAT'S WHAT THIS WHOLE THING IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT ISN'T IT?

WIFE: JESUS, RICK. FINE.

[AWKWARD PAUSE. THE LAWYER LOOKS DOWN AT HIS DESK, THEN AT HIS FINGERNAILS]

WIFE: OK. FINE. HE HANDED ME A BUSINESS CARD. HE HANDED ME A BUSINESS CARD THAT SAID 'SHOW ME YOUR BUTT' ON IT.

[HUSBAND CHUCKLES QUIETLY]

WIFE: IT HAD GOLD EMBOSSMENT ALL OVER IT, KIND OF THIS DARK GREY PAPER WITH A GOLD FRAME AROUND THE WORDS. 'SHOW ME YOUR BUTT' AND NOTHING ELSE. NOTHING ON THE BACK.

HUSBAND [CHUCKLING]: OH MY GOODNESS YES.

LAWYER [HESITANTLY]: LISTEN MR AND MRS RANDALL. I'M NOT HERE TO JUDGE YOU. THIS ISN'T SOMETHING THAT I'M RECORDING OR WILL EVER USE AGAINST YOU. OUR PROCESS HERE IS COOPERATIVE LITIGATION. WE'RE LOOKING TO FIND A COMMON SPACE BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU THAT CAN ALLOW FOR SOME PEACEMAKING AND A FAIR DISTRIBUTION OF ASSETS. DON'T THINK OF ME AS A MEDIATOR, OR A COUNSELOR OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT. THINK OF ME AS A FRIEND ALMOST. A VERY FAIR-MINDED FRIEND, LOOKING TO FIND COMMON GROUND.

WIFE: I THINK WE UNDERSTAND THAT, OR AT LEAST I DO. BUT CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? WHO THINKS OF THAT KIND OF THING? I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN RIGHT THEN AND THERE.

HUSBAND: I USED ALOT OF PSYCHADELIC DRUGS WHEN I WAS AT ART SCHOOL. THE VISION OF THIS CARD JUST CAME TO ME ONE DAY, ON A WALK ACROSS THE CAMPUS. IT'S SO SUCCINCT. IT REALLY SAYS EVERYTHING THAT NEEDS TO BE SAID, DOESN'T IT?

[THE HUSBAND LOOKS AT THE LAWYER EXPECTANTLY]

HUSBAND: I HAD 1,500 OF THEM PRINTED UP AT A LITTLE SHOP DOWNTOWN.

LAWYER [SOMEWHAT RUFFLED, TURNING TO THE WIFE]: AND HOW DID YOU RESPOND TO THE CARD WHEN HE HANDED IT TO YOU?

WIFE: WELL.. I KIND OF JUST LOOKED AT HIM. DUMBFOUNDED REALLY. WHO HANDS SOMEONE A CARD THAT SAYS 'SHOW ME YOUR BUTT' ON IT? HE WAS JUST LOOKING RIGHT BACK AT ME, SO OBVIOUSLY MEANING WHAT HE HAD SAID. OR WRITTEN, I GUESS.

HUSBAND: BUT DID I GET YOUR NUMBER? DID YOU TELL ME I COULD CALL YOU?

WIFE: I HAD TO SAY SOMETHING! I'LL ADMIT, I WAS A LITTLE BIT FLATTERED. I MEAN, BACK THEN ALOT OF MEN WOULD SAY THINGS TO ME ON THE STREET. CONSTRUCTION WORKERS, MEN IN THEIR CARS. BUT THEY ALWAYS SEEMED A LITTLE BIT SCARED BY ME AT THE SAME TIME, LIKE THEY WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO IF I EVER SAID ANYTHING BACK. BUT RICK WAS DIFFERENT. HE KNEW I WAS GOING TO TALK TO HIM. HE KNEW I WOULD GIVE HIM MY NUMBER. SO THE MOMENTUM WAS JUST TOO MUCH TO SAY NO TO I GUESS.

[THE LAWYER NODS KNOWINGLY AND FOLDS HIS HANDS ATOP THE DESK. SOMETHING IN HIS BODY LANGUAGE COMMUNICATES THE FACT THAT HE'D LIKE VERY MUCH TO SEE THE CURRENT MRS. RANDELL WITH HER CLOTHES OFF]

LAWYER: AND THIS WAS HERE, IN VENTURA COUNTY?

WIFE: NO, WE WERE BOTH WORKING IN PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND AT THE TIME.

HUSBAND: WORKING MIGHT BE A STRONG WORD. 

WIFE: WELL, I WORKED. I'M NOT EXACTLY SURE WHAT RICK DID. HE ALWAYS SEEMED TO BE AWAKE NO MATTER WHAT TIME OF THE DAY I CALLED HIM, NEVER LETTING THE PHONE RING MORE THAN ONCE.

HUSBAND: I USUALLY HAD A LARGE BOWL OF PISTACHIOS ON MY KITCHEN COUNTER, WHICH KEPT ME PRETTY OCCUPIED. THE BOWL WAS RIGHT NEXT TO THE PHONE.

[A CAR DRIVES BY ON THE STREET, ONE STORY BELOW, BLASTING A POPULAR RAP SONG]

LAWYER: OKAY, WELL, YES. I'M ALSO INTERESTED IN THE NEXT TRANSITION HERE. THE TIME WHEN YOU BEGAN REALLY SHARING YOUR LIVES TOGETHER. HOW LONG WAS IT BEFORE YOU STARTED HAVING 'SHARED THINGS'. WE'RE TALKING MAJOR THINGS NOW; APPLIANCES, FURNITURE, LONG VACATIONS. ETC





i'm tired. to be continued. except probably not.
atm1