last night
the stack, the haystack, hayward california
we stopped on mission boulevard to pick up tequila and juice
already in my passenger seat was a bottle of hennessey
liquor liquor christmas cheer
very quickly we were sitting around a dining room table, smoking blunts and playing dominoes. i was the only white boy there. a pitbull running underfoot. filthy dishes piled in the sink. i was careful not to use any slang because my shit is stale and sounds fake. used once a week - if that - talking on the phone with my friends.
playing dominoes in hayward. these dudes were talking shit on a crazy level. talking with complete disregard for eachothers feelings.
"man shut your fucking mouth with that shit you a mark ass nigga. get the fuck outta here like you play better than me"
the air is hard with smoke. they're slapping dominoes down so loudly that it wakes up the kids.
"they can cry all they want but they best keep they asses in bed. they know what happens if they don't"
there are several women there also. the women are expected to sit on the couch and listen. to laugh at our jokes, or to comment quietly. my sisters are not good at this - they were taught not to hold their tongues. but when the drink loosens up they start to keep quiet. it's better to submit than to start something, especially this close to Christmas. we are in the same room but they are far away from me.
another blunt. someone threatens the dog with a belt. UGK is blasting. this is business as usual maybe. but then a dude pulls out a small ziploc with some coke in it.
"bruh. what the fuck do you think you're doing"
the whole room is still. the threat of violence is suddenly right on top of us.
"why you think it's cool to pull that shit out right here in front of everyone. you never seen me mess with powder in your goddamn life and now you're gonna pull that out at my dinner table? where my kids eat? i don't care if you my cousin you can get that shit out of my house before i whoop your ass. play with your nose somewhere else boy."
i am so high that i'm almost not sure this is happening. this is the most weed i've smoked in months. everyone here has twenty pounds on me. involuntarily, i've stood up next to the table and begun to pace.
"i'm serious man get the fuck up out of here before i do something"
this whole experience is so foreign to me, this raw display of masculinity.
in my social class, the physical is almost a non-variable. our bodies are decoration mostly. we talk our problems out. or seeth. or send emails.
these dudes, without high schools diplomas some, were expressing their conflict in a purely animal way. the threat of violence was physically feelable.
"coming over here like it's cool to sniff that shit wherever"
and isn't this what holds things together? the promise of violence? the police, the army, the kevlar - isn't this was keeps things running smoothly? suddenly i'm musing. attentionless. unsure of how to behave.
eventually, this dude left without an issue. woke up his girlfriend off the couch and was gone. but the night did not return to the way it was. the energy was in a different key. i furiously drank water from a plastic tumbler.
my niece and nephew are being raised in this environment. and will be very different than me because of it. distinctly embarrassed by my leather shoes and my lightframe sunglasses. my seven hundred dollar phone.
none of that means anything in front of a dude who is bigger. all of that can be snatched from you.
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