Geotechnical Study Report, 2017-03-29

i imagine the breathless soils engineer at his desk, after years and years of standard-bound formality, of copy-paste report writing, finally finding something which truly struck him; heel-toe pounding, flecks of spittle, Chopin-like gesturing at the keyboard

"...the Whiskey Hills formation in Northern California... massive risks of seismic slope failure or lurching... a totally chaotic bedrock structure beneath unmistakably weak, porous, creep-prone surface soils of non-heterogeneous composition... hand-dig studies found an irrational intersection of the most expansive material imaginable, a deeply troubled alluvial structure subjected to eons of suboceanic landslides... a mere six-foot test bore revealed samples of an almost unnameable construct, this report struggled to align the terminology, adjusted margins to accommodate hypenation... there may be no depth to which piers might be dug sufficiently, and may God have mercy on the man who attempts a mat slab... in addition to the guidelines outlined above, this report respectfully recommends all design professionals double-down on liability insurance..."