i have a relationship with the girl at the bookstore

normally i dont buy books, i just go to the library. overall i think the library is a much better concept.
but recently it's been feeling like my life is running off of the fucking rails and, i don't know, books make me feel good

i locked my bike outside and walked in

shelf after shelf after shelf. soon my arms were full
wow, this is worse than i thought i thought
fifty dollars worth of first-print poetry
'a personal matter' which i've already read
flyer prose from graywolf

i have this theory that when you buy a book you're actually guaranteeing you won't read it

she has curly hair, of course, and glasses
she walked up to me quietly
this is just a suggestion, but i have a feeling

she hands me Fen by daisy johnson
the sentences are tight and honest
how does this person know me so well
with her baby and her glasses and her curled up smile
she is standing very close

so many of my relationships with women are spoiled
-probably all of them honestly-
by the possibility of romance

i don't trust myself, i don't trust my intentions
i don't trust the things i say

but this is different
i am not attracted to her
and she is not attracted to me
we both know this in an unspoken way

and fuck it feels pretty good

-

of course i bought the book, and a bunch of other stuff too
i'm still hurting, after all

she enters my account information without asking
but the thing is, i don't know her name
and it's been three years so there's no way i can ask