grief instrument (2017)

i don't know why i started this
cedar dust in my bedroom
epoxy on my forearm

-

have you ever imagined the drowning of someone you love
the twist of arms against current
held down
her face melting as she watched

a river a river a river
the metaphor is right there

have you ever seen your best friend leave
your absolute best friend
and when she comes back you say
'no i can't have you
no you're not good enough'

stand in your kitchen - another night alone - and know that you said that.
it hurts like something else entirely

have you ever written poems just for attention
thought about the same person every night for months
for what reason
refreshing URLs like picking at a wet burn
your art smells like silvadene and gauze

-

my body is covered with scabs and bruises

i'm jumping off of rocks (my heel is black and swollen)
and riding motocross (my thumb is still broken)
and skateboarding without shoes on (every day my socks mat with blood)

it's the suicide impulse
except disguised
i'm trying to get hurt in a way that seems fun
i'm driving each of my relationships into the ground

-

women used to embroider veil
but i built this
and now i want to go away in it

atm1