fennel bulb

i'm looking for myself, trying to find who i am. again.

today i bought a large bulb of fennel just to see what it felt like.

i used to cook so much, was in a relationship that supported that. i distinctly remember receiving a food processor for my birthday.

so i texted that ex - asking for cookbook recommendations - and then went online and bought what she said. we text-bantered about the author, at arms length, in the way that we banter now, and then she said

"but he does so many things with fennel it's amazing"

my immediate reaction was this: how could i have been with someone who talked like this? does so many things with fennel it's amazing? my punk rock sensibilities shuddered. but then i realized i used to be that way too. and in some ways, i still am that way. i've just lost touch.

and so i bought some fennel. and a large bunch of very wrinkly carrots with the tops still on them. i stuffed them in a canvas bag and smiled like an idiot, paying with cash.

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i'm alone so much now. a lot a lot a lot.

i'm trying to figure out who i might become next.