if i were you I would be amazing.

"So when's the last time you got laid Tomás?"

This is someone I work with speaking, Nacho. Ignacio.  We're up on a scaffold in the ante-dining room of a soon-to-be 14 million dollar home in Hillsborough, California, working on a soffit. There's fucking nails everywhere, little bits of sawzalled wood and maybe 85 degrees Fahrenheit up on the scaffold. Tool bags. Nail guns. I don't particularly like this Ignacio but I tend to humor him in conversation anyways - it's not good to not mesh with the guys you're working with, I try and keep the day rolling as smoothly as possible.

"Well... lets see..."

I haven't had sex with a woman since December. And early December too. My girlfriend moved out of the country before Hanukkah and it must have been the second to last time I saw her that we'd "hooked up", or maybe the last time but I'm remembering now an instance in which I didn't finish and so surely that doesn't count. Early December. Almost 7 months ago. I do not relay this to Nacho but he extracts it from my hesitation anyways.

"God damn Tomás, that long? What the fuck is wrong with you man, are you gay? Man, when I was your age I was in the clubs every weekend and there was this one time..."

Please note that this is entirely within the normal operating boundaries of a worktime conversation; that openly aggressing someone about their sexual orientation or habits of intercourse is just something you talk about, while building a soffit. Very soon I will write a blog post in response to all of Stacy Kaney's "Boo-Hoo-I-work-at-a-restaurant-and-people-aren't-nice-to-me" postings (which I very much enjoy, please don't misunderstand me) but for now lets just let sleeping dogs lie.

And what am I supposed to say to the guy? What kind of explanation does he want from me? 'Well, you see the thing is Nacho is that I don't really enjoy having sex with women the whole thing kinda turns me green on the insides and every time I get in bed with one I find myself pushing them down into the sheets and dragging my teeth along their necks and hands parting thighs kisses teasing softly but then when the times comes for the big show I'd just rather not?' Even to me this seems insane and of course, isn't true. sub1

My hangup on this is not new (see: your shoes my shoes) and definitely not clearly defined either. It is outside of 'emotional connection' or 'meaningful relationship'. The best sex I ever had was a one-night stand with some girl from my High School. The crux of it might have something to do with anticipation. It is not as if I am repulsed by sexuality as a whole, I love the electric and fingertips, etc, but the whole reality of direct intercourse really curdles my milk. It feels pretty good I guess but it's also horribly lonely and just one person slooshing around inside of another when you really think about it.

I don't know, I need to go to bed now. This maybe won't get figured out tonight. This one girl I know said, "Well you just haven't had good sex" which maybe seems ridiculous and so I disregard it.

goodnight.